Totally bored yesterday, I decided to see if Coney Island still existed. you know, the boardwalk, the pier, the aquarium, the hotdogs... Stuff I enjoyed a good hundred years ago and which I desired to be reacquainted with. Went into the aquarium, which is still there. Saw all the weirdly bizarre denizens of the deep. There's a fantastic and new exhibit of jellyfish called Alien Stingers, a must see...

The high point of the afternoon was, without a single doubt, at the walrus pool. Gazing within from the tunnel that presents the glass covered bottom of the pool... There is nothing quite so astonishing and startling as seeing a 3,000 pound male walrus dart gracefully towards the glass, hover while waiting for a good audience to build up, and then massage itself into a gargantuan erection and proceed to blow himself off... The excited cries of a dozen or so 5 to 10 year olds, asking mommy and daddy for an explanation... The sudden blushes as matronly housewives realized what it was that the cute animal was doing... And the best part, the deliriously happy guy who gave me his camera, clasped his blushing girlfriend (who worked at the aquarium, he explained) to himself in a bearhug, and insisted I take their picture with the monster erection as a backdrop...

Pissing people off by forcing accountability and refusing to take credit for other people's stupidity is so satisfying... It's going to get me fired, eventually, but the satisfaction while that happens is such a rush...

Being a somewhat technical person, during my day job, anyway, I've broken down the women I've known (yes, in a biblical sense, if that makes you happier) into the following categories:

Internet Woman - difficult to access.
Server Woman - always otherwise occupied precisely when you need to use her.
Windows Woman - everyone knows she's worthless but no one seems able to live without her.
Excel Woman - they say she can do many wonderful things, but you only use her for the four basic operations.
Word Woman - one surprise after another and no one really understands her.
D.O.S. Woman - everyone used her, once upon a time, but no one wants her now.
Virus Woman - aka Wife, when you least expect it she arrives and tries to take over all your resources. If you attempt to remove her, you'll still end up losing some resources, but if you don't, you'll lose them all.
Scandisk Woman - we know she's good and just wants to help, but when's all said and done, you really don't know what the hell it is that she's doing.
Screensaver Woman - totally useless, but fun.
RAM Woman - forgets everything once turned off.
Harddrive Woman - remembers every little annoying detail, for all time.
Mouse Woman - only works when you drag her and press on her with your finger.
Joystick Woman - always leaves you with a sweaty hand and cramps in your arm.
Password Woman - you think you're the only one who knows her, but she's really known by half the planet.
MP3 Woman - everyone wants to download her.
User Woman - does nothing right and asks for more than she really needs.
Email Woman - out of every 10 things she tells you, 8 are plain garbage.

So what? They're using faulty logic in what they're implying. Their implication is that the phenomenom is a false perception caused by stimulation to a specific area of the brain. They fail to even entertain the idea that stimulation to that area of the brain might be causing the real thing to happen while the patient is fully conscious... Which would make for some kinky sex if said stimulation can be applied in the bedroom (or wherever you perverts do it). You could screw a living, but soulless, playmate... And let's face it, folks... This is what all men ultimately want, even if they deny it. Even if they deny it to themselves...

Go, you funky unicorn! Go! Wish we had more of you...

I'll have a bucket to go, along with coleslaw, extra biscuits, and 2 pouches of sinsemilla...

CNN: Madelyn Gorman Toogood said she was mortified when she first saw a store's videotape of her striking her 4-year-old daughter.

Damn... They're renting the video already? I'm outta here... I'm going to see if Blockbuster has it...

MILEAGE

Scientists have determined that the average act of sex lasts 8 minutes, during which time the penis is inserted into the vagina an average of 30 times per minute. From this we can see that an average copulation involves 240 penetrations.

Given that the average penis is 6 inches in length (erect), we can state that women receive 1440 inches of dick per copulation, for ease of calculation from here onwards, this is equal to 120 feet.

Generally, women make love (if they're lucky) 3 times a week. Since the year has 52 weeks, this comes to 156 copulations a year. To summarize, women get an average 18720 feet of dick a year, or 3.54 miles.

Please take a moment, my dears, seeing as 3/4 of the year has gone by, to see if you're meeting your quota. If you see that you are not, please contact me immediately. It would be a shame if through an oversight one of you was responsible for pulling down the national average, don't you think?

Note: It will do no harm to get more mileage on you than absolutely necessary, and might help fill in for the slackers out there.

I'm of two minds on this one, folks... My good mind simply wants the spacecraft to blow up... My evil mind wants him to come back, so he can then suffer a couple of years from now, penniless, realizing how much money he blew on his stupid, little trip...

Oh, last but not least, off to NYC for the weekend. I just might log in from there. Or I might not...

The news today just gets weirder and weirder...

Governor bangs woman who considered it okay to benefit from the arrangement, but extremely unfair when end of affair nukes benefits...

Arafat to be killed yet again. Arafat is to the Middle East as Kenny is to South Park... Oh, my God! The Israelis killed Arafat! You bastards!

Mock bombs force town to be evacuated? Don't we have technology capable of detecting whether there are actually explosives in a package or not? If we don't, then what the fuck is it that they do to my stuff every time I go within 10 miles of an airport???

You mean there are people who don't know how to quit a job? I guess it does take all kinds...

Today's entry in the I'm Too Stupid to Make a Living so You All HAVE to Help Me Out Contest... I kid you not. It's true. Bitch was on the radio this morning...

Headlines

- Why is this a crime? Or was she really, really ugly?

- In the store, the mother tells the child, 'you start behaving or I will tell your father tonight, young lady!!!' And the kid answers, 'Then I'll tell Grandma you stuck Daddy's peepee in your mouth!!!' *shocked silence for 1.5 seconds, then laughter all around except for the mom* Now, let's follow the happy family into the parking lot...

In England, when they call you a son of a bitch, man, they back it up with a significant amount of research... LOL

The French kill me... So it was all this poor idiot's fault? I wonder what the rest of the lousy Frogs were doing during the Nazi Occupation? Minding their own business and learning German? Hypocrites... Ungrateful hypocrites, too (unrelated to the article, but it rubs me the wrong way every time France speaks up against the US. We should've let Adolph have them), and those're the worst kind.

When dealing with morons one can spout utter nonsense with a straight face and be praised by them for it.

It's true. I just did it on a Cost Review. I might get a raise for not bothering to even read through my cost reports for August, thus forcing me to talk and explain budget variances for 20 minutes, during which time the information content of what I said was exactly zero. I did use a lot of impressive financial and technical jargon, admittedly, but what I said had nothing to do with my budget, nor did it convey any useful information at all. 'Good job', was the overall reaction. Compare that to one of my peers, who actually was making sense and who was told to research things better and try and explain again tomorrow.

From a CNN article: "This should not be of concern to the public. Apollo stages have impacted the Earth before," Choda said.

Yeah, you tell 'em, Choda Boy!!! By the way, what ever happened to your pal, Orgazmo???

Classic strategy. First you attack. Then you sit back and watch the enemy go into hyperactivity mode. Trying to bolster all his defenses, and commiting his resources till they're spread thin. Then you feint. And continue doing so till the enemy is again lulled. Then you attack again when his defenses are down. It's strategy that's been documented since ancient times.

Defense will only get you so far. I don't have a ready made solution. But I am clear on one thing. We need to counterattack in a way so radical and absolute that none will attack us again. I have no idea how. But that's what we need to do. If we don't, this will happen again and again and again...

Go Verizon!!! It's refreshing to see at least one company refusing to trample on the right to privacy...

Oh, man... Grooooooooooovy... That's a real good batch of acid.... Oh, no! Wait! Those actually ARE green, glowing mice!

This is hilarious, a bit dated, for which I apologize, but I only found out about it this morning... Yay!!!!! There's a VIP section of Hell reserved for these folks... LOL

Holy Crack of Dawn, Batman! I eagerly await the moment when this fashion becomes the rage on this side of the Atlantic:

*yawn* So tell me something I don't know....

"Ok, hotshot. You're Seth, embodiment of hostility and chaos. And just like Seth, you're likely to be castrated before it's all over, so enjoy your fun now. Oh, and your head is an Aardvark."


What Egyptian Deity are you? go to:the quiz!

Friday the 13th!!!!! Goody, goody! I get to go to a cemetary tonight and muck around with deceased people's bits and pieces!!!!

At last... A proper place to exhibit my possessions and highlight my achievements has taken form...

Nobody in the business world ever has the time to plan and budget projects properly so as to get them right the first time around. But they always seem to have more time and money afterwards to attempt to redo them correctly. Sometimes endless time and a limitless checkbook. No wonder the economy is in a downward spiral (no reference to NIN)...

In memoriam...

For the record, I disagree with a lot of the USA's policies, both now and back through the years. But when I disagree with someone, I argue with that person(s). If a friendly discussion doesn't solve the issue, I may attack the person(s) involved, if I consider the issue that important. No matter what, though, you do not attack innocent people, nor use them as unwitting participants in an airplane missile. That is cowardly. It lacks honor. It lacks style.

For those that are no longer with us due to the cowardly attack that took a place a year ago... Even one such as I remembers you, and mourns you... I hope we can properly avenge you, too...

Last but not least, as a New Yorker to the camel humping cowards who orchestrated this: We will bathe in your blood. Might take time, but we will. And you destroyed your cause by doing what you did. You might not realize it yet, as you're in that headless chicken mode, when the corpse is just bouncing around, livelier than when its head was attached, but your cause is kaput.

I will observe (web)silence for the rest of the day...

Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?

I rarely (if ever) feel fear... But I have to admit, this picture makes me feel something pretty close to it... She's scary...

Last month a worldwide survey was conducted by the United Nations. The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure:

In Africa, they didn't know what 'food' meant...
In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what 'honest' meant...
In Western Europe, they didn't know what 'shortage' meant...
In China, they didn't know what 'opinion' meant...
In the Middle East, they didn't know what 'solution' meant...
In South America, they didn't know what 'please' meant...
And in the USA, they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.

There's a standard answer within my area (Global Infrastructure Services) of the company for when somebody requests either unnecessary information, or 'makes us look bad' information: 'We can't tell you that, cause then we'd have to kill you'. We use it a lot because there's a lot of stuff that really makes us look bad. We excel at it... Anyway...

Suppose the Universe actually works in a similar way... Suppose there's certain information that once discovered immediately (or even retroactively) activates a chain of events that will of necessity end with the death of the discoverer and anyone else he might've communicated it to, plus the destruction of any records of the discovery or the thought process that led to it. That would explain some particularly nasty historical events, wouldn't it?

- Holocaust
- WTC
- Destruction of the Templars
- Hiroshima and Nagasaki
- Great grandpa's spontaneous combustion

And it wouldn't even have to be information of great import. It could just be random snippets of information. The intellectual equivalent of a '2+2=4', just that in the case of the deadly info, it has to be unknown, and it'll stay that way, as anyone who discovers it dies, along with whomever they shared it with. The Universe's arbitrary malevolence makes more ethical sense than an omnipotent deity (or more than one) who allows nasty things to happen to his creatures...

What scares you all more? A god who doesn't give a shit? Or a randomly (but at times very selective) psychotic Universe?

Sleep tight... LOL

Has anybody patented the concept of selling articles at a physical location over a counter in exchange for official currency? Another entry for the Stating the Obvious and/or Reinventing the Wheel Contest... Note that at no time did the guy write any software to do this, or invent new technology, he just described how it would work... I'm not saying that was worthless per se, just that really, the technology's there and I'm willing to bet many people thought of the possibility independently. And I'm sure eBay didn't start out by spying on the guy as he wrote down his idea...

This article is absolutely hilarious. It highlights the consequences of allowing morons to elect other morons into office. It also highlights the dangers inherent in allowing lawmakers to legislate over things they don't understand. And it's the Greek Parliament part at the start that I'm talking about. The Chinese blocking Google is just everyday repression, not blatant stupidity...

Being All-Knowing sucks sometimes... Which is probably the reason why the All-Father, Odin, decided to hang up his cloak and go anonymous.

What do writers get paid, anyway? Can people start writing stuff, sell it, and live off that from day one these days? Note to self: Investigate.

Oh, and I'm back from Labor Day. Had fun and all that, thanks for asking...