Blessed Beast!

Sancta Walpurgis, ora pro nobis...

Laci Peterson II

A new disappearance is strangely reminiscent of the Laci Peterson case. Scrumptious looking chick, only this one wasn't, as far as is known, pregnant, but was about to get married to her live-in boyfriend. She's supposed to have disappeared while off on an evening jog, leaving behind id, credit cards, car, keys, everything.

Her pictures are very odd, though. She does look cute, but she always has this eyes-wide-open look as if someone had just shoved a poker up her ass right before clicking the camera's shutter. "Say cheese"... OOOMPH!!!! I'm posting one pic here, but I saw several others yesterday on the news and they all had her sporting the exact same expression. Weird...



Now, the boyfriend supposedly already took a lie detector test, privately, and satisfied the woman's family. Upon his attorney's instructions, though, he's giving the cops a hard time about taking a polygraph with them. That, in itself, strikes me as suspicious. If I were in his position and had had nothing to do with it, I'd be galloping into a polygraph session so as to clear myself of even a lingering doubt in anyone's eyes. Especially after Scott Peterson's example.

Exploding Toads

Holy Charles Fort, Batman! The toads are exploding!

I'll comment on this tomorrow, don't have time now...

Liberal Statistics

During a discussion yesterday, a very good friend, who happens to be unfortunately liberal in outlook (not that there's anything wrong with that), responded to my good-natured political prodding by responding that Bush wasn't his president, and that 51% is not a mandate.

I had to respond to that. I'm getting tired of liberals with no idea of real world mathematics, statistics or even how the political machinery works pontificating and pretending that with such mental lacunae they'd nonetheless do a better job of running the country and defending our interests than the opposition.

I pointed out that, aside from dictatorships, there hasn't been a president elected by 100% anywhere in the world. Not even George Washington. I also went on to provide him with a table showing the percentages for popular vote in the last 10 or so presidential elections. Bottomline, our system of government, and how we choose our leaders, was never intended to pick someone approved of by a unanimous show of hands. That's ridiculous. And the fact that your particular choice doesn't win in a free election doesn't mean that you are then free to call the winner illegitimate, or torpedo his efforts, much less when such efforts are intended to be for the greater good of the USA and its citizens. When did such madness start being accepted as good policy by people? And it's not only liberals, during the Clinton years I saw similar sentiments from some otherwise smart conservatives, but admittedly never to the degree which the liberals seem to espouse that mentality.

We really need, as a people, to get our shit together and put the country first for a while. Damned if I don't think some people here are actually rooting for America's enemies so long as that puts some egg on Bush's face. That's really sad.

Oh, and here's my source for Presidential Election Statistics, in case anyone's interested. Good luck finding more than 10 or so that had better than 60% of the vote. And go check Clinton. If Bush is illegitimate, tell me what he was, if percentage is what you're basing your criteria on.

Medical Call

We had another medical call today. Looks like the patient had a mini-stroke. His speech was slurred, and he was confused. Guy was from NY, and staying with his niece for the week here. The niece was a piece of work, though. She knew her uncle was on medication, but didn't know which ones, or for what condition. Also knew he had left his medication behind in the city, since Saturday, but hadn't even tried finding out what it was or if he really, really needed to be taking it. Then the old guy apparently fell this morning, and had been acting weird since. Finally at 3pm she decided to call 911, mainly, I gathered, because she needed to go out and couldn't be bothered to watch the old guy croak anymore.

She also phoned her mother, to let her know that "your brother seems to be having a problem and is being taken to the hospital". She wouldn't even go with him to the hospital, said she'd follow up by phone later.

May the Gods prevent me from ever having a relative like that. Even I show a lot more consideration for my relatives, and I know I'm a piece of work, too.

Flatliner

Helped do CPR on a bagger today, but he didn't make it. The stench was indescribable, and I'm glad mouth-to-mouth is no longer done mouth-to-mouth these days, but instead it's done with a face shield that lets air (and anything else) into the patient, but nothing can get back to you, since I was the one administering it.

I'd cheerfully do old fashioned CPR on a nubile, female corpse, but male corpses just don't do it for me.

Nigerian Scam Reduxiduxiduxed

Every now and then I get a nigerian scam email that's memorable enough for me to analyze it here. This one came in today and deserves that honor (my comments in italics):

Sala Muhalekum My Dear Honourable !!!

I'm sorry, don't speak gibberish, but I'm going to assume that meant hello.

I am Fatima Diaby and been converted to Islamic Religion with My Late Husband by 74 Years Old Woman and we have became more devoted in Islamic Religion for quite good number of years now but I am at this moment suffering with ( Esophageal Cancer )/breast and fibroid of the womb which has affected my health

It would be goddamned amazing if all that didn't affect your health, my good woman!

and after taking all type of medical treatment in other to find my self survives it still defiling that I will be only having some few Month to live, according to what the medical experts has observed in me.

After tracing the convoluted logic in the prior paragraph I've concluded that you believe in Islam and will croak in a matter of months.

My Late Husband who is now Late was killed during the political crisis which took place on September 19th 2002.

You killed the poor bastard three times in that sentence alone. I hope the political crisis which seems to have killed him in reality was quicker and more merciful.

My late Husband was the Chairman of the Contract Awarding Committee under Budgeting and Planning of our Country.

Damn, there he goes being late again!

Throughout the period of my marriage with him, all efforts to bear Children with him proved abortive

Well, if you had abortions that might explain why you didn't have any kids...

because of my poor state of health and after his death issues,

Death issues??? On top of all that stuff he had death issues, too??? I'm in tears here, for chrissakes!

I inherited all his wealth since he has no other next of kin but it is now obvious that I may not survive my poor state of health.

Yes, you'll note I concluded that above on my own, but thanks for confirming.

I have deemed it necessary to leave a legacy on Earth and give a positive account and justification of the life I lived on Earth before the Almighty ALLAH.

Where else would you leave a legacy?

This is what I want to achieve by committing this wealth in all Islamic Societies or orphanages Homes / widows and the less privileged peoples around the Globe.

Yes, let's by all means dedicate your fictitious wealth to fostering more little terrorists for Allah!

I am meditating what may happen after death that is why I am taking this decision by giving this Money out to be use to accomplish the Almighty ALLAH'S Divine Marvelous work around the Globe because I highly believed that I will be with Him in his most perfect and the most peacefully place.

Well, His work seems to be knocking down buildings and blowing up people nowadays. I'm glad your wealth is imaginary, or else that'd be just one more source of funding for the towelheads.

Note that this sum(US$15 Million) was secured and Deposited in one Security Company in Europe with my name by my Late Husband and all the related Documentation covering the Treasure Box are Highly intact with me.

$15 million? Madam, had I known we were discussing such a paltry sum I'd not have wasted my time even reading this far, much less commenting on it! I'll have you know that I get at least 3 Nigerian scam emails a day of more than $80 million each.

So on the receipt of your immediate response to me I will forward all the necessary Documents covering the Treasure Box were the Money is been packaged and sealed in the Treasure Box before Depositing it in the Custody of Europe Security Company as to enable you open up your communication with them for the releasing of the Treasure Box to you as I cannot follow it up right now because of my illness condition.

Where is all that again? In the treasure box? Sorry, but I got confused after the third or fourth time you said treasure box.

Please Religious doesn't matter in this divine project henceforth I put all my trust in you but do actualize my dreams with this Money for the sake of the Almighty ALLAH because My happiness is that I lived a life of a true devoted life worthy of emulation.

Which is it? Religious (sic) doesn't matter or it does because it's for the sake of Allah? Pick one and stick with it.

Lastly, I honestly pray that when releasing the Treasure Box to you by the Europe Security Company were the Money is been packaged and sealed it will be well judiciously used for the said purpose as the Almighty ALLAH has reviewed for humanitarian services and you should be aware that whoever that wants to serve Him must serve him in truth and in fairness.

Yep, I see He does insist that those who serve him do so in truth and fairness. Although from experience I've seen that a dash of crazy helps, too, especially when the time comes to blow themselves up and take some of the infidel (that's us, ma'am) with them.

So Please always be prayerful all through your life in this Divine marvelous Work of the Almighty ALLAH.

Sorry, don't believe in your imaginary wealth, and much less in your imaginary deity.

Until I hear from you and be sure that all my dreams will rest squarely on your shoulders.

Damn, is that why I'm feeling heavier today?

Insha ALLAH

Fatima Diaby

Yaba daba doo to you, too, Fatima, old gal!

FF I Certification Test

I presented my Firefighter I State Certification Practical Test this weekend. It was a lot tougher than I'd thought it would be. There were a couple of times throughout when I said to myself, "this is the last station I'm doing, can't go on without collapsing", and the only thing that kept me going was that fact that no one had dropped out so far, and damned if I was going to be the first. Once the test was over, 8 hours after it started, with no break for rest or lunch, I collapsed in a corner and overheard the instructors commenting that 5 of us had, in fact, dropped out. Ha! Good thing I didn't know that till the end.

What was the test like? Let's see...

First off we had to don SCBA (Self Contained Breathing Apparatus) gear and be in fully protected state and ready to enter a fire within 60 seconds of first touching said SCBA gear. Then there were 11 other 'stations', for a total of 12. Aside from the first one, which we all (about 25 of us) did together, we were then rotated around so each person or team was doing a different station at any given time. My second one was, with a partner, to hook up a water supply to a truck, first from a hydrant, then from a pond, and then operate the hose as instructed. Lastly, to attach a foam supply to the house and again operate it.

So far so good. Then, third station, with a partner go up an extension ladder to a 3rd floor window, find an unconscious victim (160lb dummy) and bring it down the ladder. This had to be done twice, since each of us was supposed to bring the dummy down once, so we took turns at it. The way you do that is, while you remain outside the window, on the ladder, you have your partner hand the victim feet first out the window to you, and you lay the victims legs over your shoulders, crotch to your face. Imagine cunnilingus. While you keep both hands on the ladder, you lean out a bit and allow the victim's butt to descend so that you're know looking at it's face, and the crotch is down near yours. So the victim is folded into a V shape, legs on your shoulders, back on the ladder, butt down near your stomach. You then proceed down the ladder, making sure you always keep one hand tight on a rung, while the other one descends, and your feet navigate downwards. All the time the victim is pushing at your chest since a V-shape isn't its natural position. By the time you get to the ground you are wasted.

Fourth station was knots and rope, as well as the proper way of applying them to tools which you then hoist up from the ground to a 2nd or 3rd floor window. Or maybe that was the 3rd, and the dummy was the 4th, it gets hazy around there and I'm no longer sure of the order.

Fifth was to extend a ladder to the roof and assist your partner, who is supposedly semi-conscious for the exercise, down to the ground. Then up again and you play the woozy partner who gets rescued.

Sixth was venting a roof, via roof ladder, with a powersaw and an axe.

Seventh was replacing a burst section of hose while it's still charged with water.

Eighth was a crawl through a pitch black building, with a simulated roof collapse so that one has to go through tunnels and such, while breathing bottled air. The goal being to find gas and electricity panels and shut them down, and also to locate a victim.

Ninth was operating a cascade system, which is how we fill spent air bottles again. If you don't know how to operate one, chances are you'll blow up the air bottle. You can only feed it so many psi per minute.

Tenth was deploying hose to a second floor both from the inside, up the stairs, as well as from the outside, up the ladder.

For the life of me, I can't remember what 11 and 12 were... But I must have done them, or I wouldn't have passed. Maybe they were so messed up I blanked them out. I'll have to check, I have a list of them somewhere.

Now I'll have FF II State Certification to look forward to...

Vanishing Customs

I just stopped by my local gas station for a coffee, on my way home. I'd gone out to the public library to pick up a book they special ordered for me on a particular psychedelic mushroom of peripheral interest to me on account of an investigation I'm doing.

There's been a sign on the gas station's convenience store's glass doors for a week now, stating, "It's a girl!" I assumed, correctly as it turned out, that the owner's wife had delivered a baby girl. Anyway, as I stepped up to the cashier to pay for my coffee, I was handed a cigar by the turbaned Sikh gentleman who apparently owns the business. He stressed that it had been a girl.

Other than the movies, I think the last time I saw someone hand out cigars due to the birth of a child it was actually me, on occasion of the last son I had a part in creating. Excluding me, I guess I'd have to go back at least 20 years.

Why have we let the nicer customs we used to follow die out, while we perpetuate our nastier idiosyncrasies? And isn't it curious and sad that it is immigrants that are keeping alive customs that the rest of us are letting die?

I feel as if I were living in Nero's Rome once more...

Test this weekend

I have the Firefighter I Certification practical test this weekend. Will train tomorrow with some of my fellow firefighters who are taking the test, too. It's supposed to be pretty rough, and they've booked 8 hours for it. Then again, the county supposedly wants to have state certified firefighters for grant purposes, and there are none, we're the first crop. Don't know if that'll buy us any leniency, but my Chief seems to think so. Guess I'll know by Saturday night.

Into Thin Air

My neighbor's been puttering about his yard all day. I could see him through the window. Did some yard work, had a smoke, cleaned his barbecue grill, had a smoke, played with the dog, had a smoke, scratched his ass, had a smoke, and so on.

Now he's gone, but the overalls+boots wader thingie he was wearing is set on the deck chair in the same position he was in last time I saw him. Can't be the Rapture, right? I mean, I'm still here, so it can't possibly be that. Right?

Howard the Duck as a child?

Does anyone even remember Howard???

Habemus Papa

People really need to stop living in the past and focus on the now. Not that we should ignore the past, it always has valuable things to teach us, none know this better than I, but there are some things that you do have to let go of.

A new Pope has been elected and, big surprise coming from a conservative bunch like the Roman Catholic hierarchy, he's a traditionalist. Seriously. This has actually surprised some factions. Who'd they expect? Bill Clinton?

Then you have the Jewish contingent, who's worried about the Nazi ties of someone who was a healthy, young German during Nazi Germany's heyday. Let me give my Jewish friends a bit of a history lesson here. If you were of age, healthy, Aryan and living in Germany during the Nazi regime you were either a Nazi or dead. Sure, there were a few exceptions, but anyone who is saying they were publicly opposed to the Nazis and are still around to tell the tale are either astonishingly lucky, or more likely, brazen liars. Now, who did you expect to be elected Pope, Woody Allen? Let it go. The Nazis are no more, and if you want to look at Nazi behavior, my friends, look closer to home, like, say, in Palestine.

Anyway, to wrap up, who the hell cares who was chosen leader of a group that has so little influence in today's world? The only reason they're still around is because they have oodles of money and valuables lying around, but the day when the Vatican commanded, and people actually obeyed to the point of starting wars, or pogroms, is long gone.

Everyone get over it already, and let's just sit back and wait for the final Pope. We can at least see if Malachy got it right.

Tractor Trailer

This morning a tractor-trailer flipped over within our area of coverage. I was on the tail end of a very delightful dream, too, when the frigging pager went off. The driver had a few small cuts on one hand, from when he self-extricated, and the usual assortment of bruises.

Another accident a 1/4 of a mile back, caused by rush hour commuting idiots trying to magically vault over the backed up traffic caused by the first accident did require ambulance, but it wasn't serious, either.

One of the Toll Bridge officials who came to look at the damage to the bridge, and spoke with the driver, later came up to hobnob with us. It was obvious to everyone that the driver had been asleep at the wheel, and had lost control once he came out of the straightway of the actual bridge and hit the first sharp curve.

The driver denied it, of course. The Toll Bridge official noted wryly to us that until he got this job, he'd never before heard of spontaneous flipovers, but now knew that they were very common. LOL

Senses

A friend's underage daughter became sexually active a short while ago. She's been going out with her current boyfriend for a bit less than a year now, and they're at that age. Everybody else in my circle knows it, including the girl's mother, but as near as I can tell her father, my friend, is still blissfully unaware. A few of us started taking bets a couple of months ago on when he'll find out and what he'll do to the boyfriend.

As a result of certain arcane disciplines and practices I've followed over the years, some of my senses are developed enough that they can mimic ESP at times. One of them is my sense of smell, especially as regards female byproducts.

When I saw this girl recently I could immediately sense her pregnancy. It showed on my face, too, for a flicker of an instant. She was looking at me, and she knew I knew something.

I'm going to have to change my bet, as I'm sure my friend's reaction will be a lot more direct than I'd have bet on, given the new circumstances. Can't wait to see how this plays out...

Heroin

This morning my pager went off for a Code 26. I was on a conference call at the time and unmuted because I was talking. When that pager goes off, believe me, you take notice of it. It wakes me up out of a deep sleep easily, something my alarm clock has never been able to do. Long story short, I think most of the people on the conference call will need hearing aids pretty soon as a result of it.

I made my excuses and left the bridge going, since I was host, and went out to respond. The call was for a place a block away from me, and I knew that it was a medical issue from the code used by the 911 center. No need to go up to the firehouse for my gear. I just walked out and waited at the corner, and a minute later I hopped on to the fire engine as it swung by.

We pulled up to the house in question and found a hysterical kid, screaming his lungs off. We managed to get the gist of it, his roommate (gay lifepartner was my first bet, since he was so distraught) was unconscious and apparently not breathing. We got our medical gear and went up to the kid's room. Sure enough, there was a kid on the floor, half on a mattress, and his face was turning bluer by the second.

We got our stuff ready and proceeded to lay him flat so we could do CPR on him, and another one of my buddies got the AED ready. But as soon as we lay him down flat he started to breathe on his own, and even to snore.

My Asst. Chief asked me to go down and ask the other kid what this one was high on, which I did. The other kid, who turned out to be his brother, admitted immediately that it was heroin, and even told me where to look for it. It was right there where he said it was, and there were two envelopes recently opened and empty. The kid on the floor had a needle in one of his pockets, too.

Since he was breathing on his own, we sat back and waited for the paramedics and the ambulance to arrive, which they did, a few minutes later. We explained the situation, as they put an oxygen mask on him, and rolled up his sleeves. He had a nice bubble clot in his arm from where he'd shot up, and they syringed it out of him. Then the paramedic said he was going to inject something else into him which would wake him up, and that he would not be happy about it. Suggested we stand clear of his legs. I got ready to pop him one, and my other buddy tensed up, too.

The paramedic readied the syringe and sarcastically said to the unconscious patient, "Hey, buddy, we're going to inject you with something, as if that's new to you." LOL Paramedics can be funny...

The guy came to less than a minute afterwards, but he wasn't violent. He must have thought he was hallucinating. None of us were in gear, since it hadn't been a fire call. I had a t-shirt with a huge iguana on it. Very lifelike and at a distance, or if you're high on shit, you'd swear it was alive and just resting on me. My other buddy had a t-shirt with a red devil's head and the legend, "God is busy right now. Can I help you?" Poor guy just stared and stared at us. The paramedic started speaking to him, asking for his name, and getting him to talk and admit to what he'd taken.

That shit they shot into him works like magic. He walked down and into the ambulance, with assistance from us, but walk he did. He shot an evil look at his brother and a chick who'd appeared from somewhere. His brother just asked him what the hell he was supposed to have done, let him die? The cops were there by then, taking statements, and picking up evidence all over the place.

Kid'll be court-mandated into rehab for this one, but he'll be out again and shooting up all too soon. If they don't get evicted from where they're living, I'm sure I'll get to pick up his stone cold corpse sometime soon, too.

Fabric Fraying

Whatever platform our reality runs on is quickly approaching 100% utilization. Either that or it's been infected with a virus. Those are the most likely explanations for the increase in weirdness and the utter lack of logic that seems to characterize events nowadays.

Aeon

I have a strong feeling that a massive change is in the works. Nothing I can pin down, concretely, just a strong yet non-specific certainty that something really big is about to come down. Something global in nature, all encompassing.

Revelations flit through my mind, and my understanding is growing in quantum leaps, in a fashion I hadn't experienced in years upon years. It feels like the beginning, when all was new and yet to be discovered, it's that sort of feeling.

I wish Crowley were still around. He'd have had a blast with this...

In Memoriam

Just found out that Dr. Fernando Jiménez del Oso died on March 27th. I'll miss him. He was a great investigator and an even better writer.

R.I.P., old friend.

Neighbor

Living next door to a cemetery offers huge advantages to someone with my calling. All the time I was casting my spell I kept hoping, in the back of my mind, that the Fire Station alarm wouldn't go off. I kept imagining someone calling 911, and me having to rush out of the cemetery and across the street, while my fellow firefighters came up the road in their cars.

Luckily, it's been a quiet night, and I was undisturbed. I did see signs of others having used the burial grounds for similar purposes. Everything was neat, to the untrained eye, but I can detect the spoor of a mage a mile away. Little things. Remnants of black wax. Out of season herbs. A severed hand.

Yeah, I have a good eye for detail.

Popeman

Trust the Colombians to do something wildly inappropriate, as well as incredibly amusing.

I give you, Popeman!

Advantages of being psychotic

Everyone has heard that psychotic people hear voices in their heads. These voices compel the average psychotic to acts of sometimes incomprehensible violence and cruelty. Once caught, the psychotic will claim he was only following the instructions of these voices.

Conspiracy theorists have gone as far as stating that the government has implants in some people, which allow them to send them these messages, heard as 'voices' by the subject, and so control them. One famous conspiracy buff once told me, personally, that he'd been present when one such implant was taken out of a buddy of his by a surgeon. Go figure.

Anyway, all these people are seriously lacking in imagination and vision. You see, I'm psychotic, or rather, fucntionally psychotic, which means that I'm stark raving mad but at the same time able to function well in society. My secret?

Instead of blindly obeying my 'voices', I trained them. I don't need a walkman. I've never owned one. My 'voices' do perfect imitations of my favorite bands. Some of my 'voices' have even learned to play an instrument, so I don't have to always listen to a cappella versions.

Mourning

As Elder of House Gordon, I extend my deepest condolences and sympathy to the House of Monaco for its loss today of its erstwhile head, Prince Rainier. May my royal cousin rest in peace.

Peter Jennings

The media in this country has reached its lowest point. Again. They keep lowering the bar. As if it weren't bad enough that the Amazing Vegetable Lady down in Florida monopolized the news the whole 13 days she lay dying, we then have the Pope croaking a day or two later (and lucky him, had he died before the Schiavo chick, it wouldn't have even merited a blurb on the last page).

Now, since nothing else of import was apparently happening anywhere in the known universe, it seems that Peter Jennings, an anchorman, has been diagnosed with cancer. And that's been on the news, on every channel, and will probably be tomorrow's headline on every newspaper, the Weekly World News included. Why the flying fuck is that supposed to be news for anyone besides Jennings' immediate family and circle of friends? Who else cares???

To add insult to injury, it seems that the Pope dying isn't newsworthy enough without someone writing an article highlighting famous anchormen who did not cover the Pope's death this time around. Better luck next time, John Paul!

Morons.

Journal

I need to start a journal. As opposed to a blog. They're two different things, despite most people not knowing the difference. And actually, I need to start two journals. One of them will actually be restarted, and will be a Magickal one. It's time I exercised a bit more discipline in this area, as I'll be dedicating more time to its pursuit than I have in a few years now. The second will be dedicated to Heiho.

And I'm sorry, but both are private in nature, and not to be read by casual eyes. They won't be linked here. The one because it would be dangerous for the uninitiated and the other because it would be a breach of confidence.

In deference to the Aeon, they will reside on the web, but they'll be encrypted and password protected.

So why'd I tell you all this? I don't know, partly to piss you off, and partly as a note to myself. Have to do some programming to set them up, and I need to do that soon.

Revised Living Will Form for Florida

(received via email, author unknown, but he/she's a genius)

I, _________________________ (fill in the blank), being of sound mind and body, unequivocally declare that in the event of a catastrophic injury, I do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

I hereby instruct my loved ones and relatives to remove all life-support systems, once it has been determined that my brain is no longer functioning in a cognizant realm.

However, that judgment should be made only after thorough consultation with medical experts; ie., individuals who actually have been trained, educated and certified as doctors.

Under no circumstances -- and I can't state this too strongly -- should my fate be put in the hands of peckerwood politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.

Furthermore, it is my firm hope that, when the time comes, any discussion about terminating my medical treatment should remain private and confidential. Living in Florida, however, I am acutely aware that the legislative and executive branches of state government are fond of meddling in family matters, and have little concern for the privacy and dignity of individuals. Therefore, I wish to make my views on this subject as clear and unambiguous as possible.

Recognizing that some politicians seem cerebrally challenged themselves (and with no medical excuse), I'll try to keep this simple and to the point:

1. While remaining sensitive to the feelings of loved ones who might cling to hope for my recovery, let me state that if a reasonable amount of time passes -- say, ____ (fill in the blank) months -- and I fail to sit up and ask for a cold beer, it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my spouse, children and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, and call it a day.

2. Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is my wish that these boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay attention instead to the health, education and future of the millions of Floridians who aren't in a permanent coma.

3. Under no circumstances shall the governor of Florida butt into this case and order my doctors to put a feeding tube down my throat. I don't care how many fundamentalist votes he's trying to scrounge for, it is my wish that he plays politics with someone else's life and leaves me to die in peace.

4. I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots send e-mails to legislators in which they pretend to care about me. I don't know these people, and I certainly haven't authorized them to preach and crusade on my behalf. They should mind their own business, too.

5. It is my heartfelt wish to expire quietly and without a public spectacle. This is obviously impossible once elected officials become involved. So, while recognizing the wrenching emotions that attend the prolonged death of a loved one, I hereby instruct my relatives to settle all disagreements about my care in private or in the courts, as provided by law.

If any of my family goes against my wishes and turns my case into a political cause, I hereby promise to come back from the grave and make his or her existence a living ____ (fill in the blank).

R.I.P. Pontifex

"The Holy Father, John Paul II, died at 9:37 p.m. (1937GMT) in his private apartment," the message read. "All procedures foreseen in the Apostolic Constitution `Universi Dominici Gregis' (`Of the Lord's Whole Flock'), promulgated by John Paul II on February 22, 1996, have been activated."

Incredible. The Vatican announced it via email. Don't ask why I'm on their distribution list.

Rest in peace, old adversary. Even though we didn't see eye to eye on a few issues, well, on none, to be honest, I've nonetheless always respected a valiant enemy.

Now, since we're popeless, there's a few spells I've been saving for such an occasion, and I'm off to try them out. Pity he couldn't have held out until Walpurgisnacht. We haven't had a popeless Walpurgisnacht in way too long.

Seen Everything Yet?

Every time I think I've seen everything, humanity serves up something to prove me wrong.

APPLETON, Wisconsin (AP) -- Ms. Wheelchair Wisconsin has been stripped of her title because pageant officials say she can stand -- and point to a newspaper picture as proof.

I don't know what's more baffling, that there's such a thing as the Ms. Wheelchair pageant, or that a contestant can be stripped of her title because she's not sufficiently disabled.

Pontifex

"Pope in grave condition but lucid", is what the headline says. Give me a break. How would they know if he's lucid? For the past month or two all they've gotten out of him have been croaks, funny faces, and arm waving. My pet rock is more lucid!

Guess we'd best start preparing for Malachy's 2 final entries at long last:

- Gloria olivae

- In persecutione extrema S.R.E. sedebit Petrus Romanus, qui pascet oues in multis tribulationibus: quibus transactis ciuitas septicollis diruetur, & Iudex tremêdus iudicabit populum suum. Finis.

I once heard a convincing argument that these two were meant to be a single entry, which would leave just one Pope left till the Catholic Church implodes, or Judgment Day comes, take your pick. Either way, at worst it's one down, two to go.

April Fool's

Taken from a calendar with daily blurbs:

1700s: The eighteenth century was the golden age of All Fools Day. Elaborate pranks were played by gentry and peasantry alike, with special tricks reserved for young apprentices, whose masters sent them out on “sleeveless errands,” to search for nonexistent items such as striped paint or pigeon’s milk. A quest for “strong strapping” usually ended in a beating.

Predictably enough, they're wrong. There does happen to be pigeon's milk. Curious factoid I learned back in college while auditing a Psychology course in order to sit with some luscious babes. All the Computer Science chicks looked like day old puke, while the Psych majors for the most could have auditioned for Baywatch. As a bonus, I updated my knowledge of human psychology, and birds' mammaries.